The Quest for Girls
by The Essential Word
Summary: Young Aaron seeks the advice of his elders in trying to hook his perfect girl...but things don't work out as planned.


Aaron was having a bad day. It was as if the forces of the entire Universe were coming together to make him feel utterly and completely horrible.

As he weeded the field of swaying crops, he had but one image in his mind. It was a girl, a lovely girl, with long hair and white, flashing smile. And her limbs were so long, and her skin so soft. At least, he imagined it to be soft. She could have skin like a troll. This disturbed him slightly. But the point was that she _looked _soft and he imagined she smelled nice…not that he went around smelling her or anything. Certainly he didn't stick his nose in her hair at inopportune moments. That would be weird.

But sometimes he imagined holding her and resting his head in her hair and--

"Are you trying to chop your foot off?" Kyle went over to his young son. "My Gods, Aaron. You're swinging around a sharp, pointy object! Weeding isn't the time to be thinking about girls."

Aaron's face reddened. "Ah, how'd you know I was thinking about girls?"

"Because I was thirteen once, too. And, believe me, there's not much _else _to think about until you hit twenty…and then you still think about girls because, what the hell, it's either thinking about them or nothing. Anyway, get back to work."

Aaron swung the scythe around. Leann…even her name was like a distant song, like a prayer. Her eyes were so bright, so innocent, so--

"WOAH!" His father snatched the scythe out of his hands. "You nearly chopped my legs off! Is that your goal, son? To make me legless?"

"Ah, s-sorry…"

"Look, just…take the rest of the day off and go do something. Preferably, go do something about this girl. Or girls."

"Girls? As in multiple?"

"Don't judge me. My youth was…ah, busy. Lots of angry fathers and gifts and favors for girls and…Do me a favor and don't follow in my footsteps."

"Yes, sir."

Aaron was thankful to have the rest of the day off, but he wasn't sure what he was going to do about Leann. She was on his mind all of the time. Yet he was pretty sure she barely even knew his name.

Of course not, he thought hopelessly, why would she notice a farmer-boy? He despaired and felt ashamed that he wasn't a prince who could sweep in and carry her away. There was also talk of her…being arranged to marry some boy in a distant, far city.

If he wanted her, he would have to make it quick and sure.

He would need something that would make her love him immediately and forget other boys even existed. He would need the advice of the wisest and most knowledgeable person he knew.

But since he didn't really know any wise people, he approached the first male he saw.

"Mr. Jake, how do you get girls?"

The elf eyed him curiously. "What are you talking about?"

"Um, girls, females. You know, the pretty gender."

"Ah, so you want to attract a mate? Well, you get them through pain, suffering, and crushing your competition under your boot. And then you crush them again for good measure."

"But what about flowers?"

"What about flowers? I don't know. What am I supposed to do with flowers? What is she? Go get her something useful. Matter of fact, go do something useful. I have no time to speak to you about these things, little human."

He sighed. He did know _one _wise person. One person who had seen everything, done everything and always seemed to know more about girls and adult stuff than anyone else. Roy was slightly older than Aaron, and just adult enough to be interesting yet just enough of a child that Aaron could relate to him.

"Roy, I want a girl!"

The older boy laughed. "Whatdya need them for?"

"You know, for stuff you do with a girl. Like kissing."

"Oh. So that's it. Kissing." He grinned. "Okay, first you get them some flowers."

"But flowers aren't useful!"

"What? All girls love flowers. Trust me. I've had like a bajillion girlfriends."

"Okay…"

"Seriously! You can go ask them! Except they're all, like, in the capital so you'd have to find them first. But they're there!"

"I wasn't questioning you."

"Just making sure. Anyway, get her useless stuff like ribbons. Or flowers with ribbons on them! And lace! The more lace and ribbons, the more sensitive she'll think you are. And if she thinks you're sensitive then…bam! She'll be all over you."

"I just need her near me. She doesn't have to be all over me."

"Gods, Aaron," Roy said. "Sometimes I swear you can be such a kid. Anyway, if you want further advice, go ask my mom. I think she's a girl…sometimes. I don't know. Moms are girls, I guess. So she should be able to tell you something. Anyway, I've given you way too many of my tips already. I don't need you muscling in on my territory." He laughed again. "Girls might like your cute sweetness over my manly charm, and then where does that leave me?"

"Single?"

"And won't that be boring?"

"Hey," Roy said. "Why don't'cha write her a letter?"

"Okay."

"And tell your hot sister I said hi."

"Um…no?"

"Okay, okay. I'll go tell her myself."

"Stay away from my sister!"

"Don't worry. I won't approach her…when you're around."

Aaron turned and left, looking disgusted. He went home. There he found his father sitting at the kitchen table.

"Hey, talked to that girl yet?"

"I'm writing her a letter, but I don't know what to write."

"Oh…well, why don't you go through some of the old letters from back in the day. You might learn something. Just don't tell your mom, all right? She might not appreciate the knowledge I pass on to you…"

His father showed him to a box where piles of old letters were stored.

Kyle leaned over as Aaron fell to his knees and spilled the letters to the floor.

"And if they get too--ah, raunchy then stop reading and burn it. Immediately. With fire. Of course, I don't think there's anything that bad in it. Anyway, you need to learn a thing or two about girls, anyway, and who better to learn from than your old man?" With that Kyle left Aaron to his work.

Aaron picked up one of the letters and began to read it.

_Come on, baby. You know you want to take me back. Mana means nothing to me. You're the hot one. I mean, just look at your hat, Alicia! And you're outfit. You know you're the only one for me._

_PS I love you_

_PPS Take me back…PLEASE_

_PPPS Nice Rack._

He picked up a whole jumble of other letters and began to read them.

_Look, Dorothy, yes, baby, I've been giving Alicia diamonds but it isn't like that! Sure, she's hot, but you're hot, too. Gods, my heart is so torn…_

_Rosalind, a player's gotta play. If you want something serious then tell me and I'll drop all of my other girls. You're my favorite booty ever._

_Love,_

_Your favorite Kyle_

_PS Does this mean we have to stop the booty calls?_

_PPS I really hope that rash goes away…It might be an awkward visit to Natalie otherwise._

_Dear Mana_

_Oh, Gods, Mana, you're so smoking it hurts. I love your hands, your feet, your face, and other body parts. I think about you all the time._

_Dear Douglas_

_I don't want to die._

_Dear Mana_

_It is totally not going to work out between us. If you want to know why then please turn your attention to your HUGE FATHER. Thank you._

_Dear Natalie,_

_I know you say I'm young, but you just set me on fire! You burn me up! Please doctor me up anytime._

_Sincerely,_

_Your favorite patient_

_Dear Tanya_

_You have the best body ever! Seriously. I love it. It's all fit. Not squishy like Alicia (note: don't tell Alicia I said that). I'm all for older women. Give me a call on my non-existent phone. Or better yet, show up at my house!_

_PS I have a twelve inch sword…if you know what I mean._

_Dear Alicia or Julia or Rosalind or Cecilia or Mana or Dorothy,_

_If you're getting this letter, this means you were very important to me. I know this is kind of awkward but despite rumors to the contrary I'm not gay (thanks for spreading those rumors Jake, you bastard). I'm kind of getting married. Who would have guessed? So please don't amass at my wedding and have revenge. Like I said, it was fun while it lasted, but I had to settle with my main girl eventually._

_Love,_

_Your best man Kyle_

_PS You're still all my favorite booties._

The letters left Aaron more confused than he had been before. He wondered what exactly his father had mean when he wrote "booties". Obviously his father was using some sort of high vocabulary of love that he didn't understand.

He would have asked his father, but Kyle was nowhere in sight and his mother, Yue, was out of town on business. He trekked to the inn in hopes of seeing someone who could explain all of this new-found knowledge to him.

He found Cecilia gently sweeping the floor. She smiled when she saw him.

"What's a booty?" Aaron said. He wanted to get down to business immediately.

The broom dropped and clattered to the floor. "Excuse me?"

"Booty? Does it mean love?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm in love with Leann and I want to know what booty means."

"You're very…blunt, Aaron." She took a moment to recollect herself. "Did you learn that term from your father, by chance?"

"Um, yeah."

"Don't follow in that man's footsteps, please. Just don't. Forget everything your father ever taught you about love and women from him. It's wrong."

Aaron looked distressed. "Then what am I supposed to do. I want to impress Leann but I don't know how."

"I assume your father let your read his letters?"

"Yes."

"Then go read Jake's old letters. Maybe that will counteract your father's poor influence. Orland!" Cecilia yelled up the stairs. "Orland, honey! Get down here."

The unhappy-looking boy dragged himself down the steps and gave Aaron a flat look.

"Show Aaron where we keep the old letters, will you, precious?"

"How many times must I tell you not to call me by those…pet names, mother?! My name is Orland and I expect to be addressed as such."

She laughed and patted him on the head. "Yes, my adorable baby. Aw! You're so cute! Mommy loves you too much!" She hugged him tightly.

He wrenched himself from her grasp. "I swear to the Gods you are trying to set me up to have a mommy-complex!" He gestured to Aaron. "Now come on, you slow human. Don't take up too much of my time."

They made their way to one of the unused guest rooms. Orland kneeled and removed a box from under the bed. He kicked it in Aaron's direction. "Here, you incredibly annoying worm. Now don't bother me again." He started to leave. "And tell your sister I said 'hello'."

This stopped Aaron cold. "Why does everyone want to tell Aria that?"

"Just do it!"

"Roy said she was hot…you don't think the same, do you?"

"Forget it! Don't tell her hello then." Orland stomped away.

Aaron turned to the letters.

_Dear Cecilia_

_Some days I wake up and want to kill myself. I'm writing this letter to you on a high ledge. I see the bottom. Marry me or I'll jump._

_PS Kyle's gay._

_Dear Cecilia_

_I am not kidding when I say I saw Kyle and Barrett together. Seriously. He's playing all of you girls and all of you are too stupid and blind to see it. Or do you just not care and want your stupid requests on the board done? I'd do them for you, you know._

_PS I'm still on the ledge._

_Dear Cecilia_

_I know you live in the room above mine and I don't have to write you letters. However, I don't feel like talking to you, so I'll keep writing letters._

_Dear Cecilia_

_Marry me._

_Dear Cecilia_

_Yay. We're getting married._

Aaron threw the letters back into the box. This was not helping him at all! How did any of these inept men ever get girls! Did it not matter what you said? Could you just point at a girl and go "nice booty" and she'd fall in her arms? Did he have to threaten to throw himself off a cliff?!

Securing all that he had learned about girls in his brain, he went to Leann's estate. It was intimidating going to talk to her in her big, rich house, but he was not going to let that stop him.

He decided to try his father's approach first.

"Leann!" He announced. "Your booty master has arrived!"

Leann's delicate features twisted and her face flushed. "What?"

"Baby! You are so smoking hot you set me on fire. I want to booty you up! A player's got to play and you're…um, on fire? And hot? Very hot?"

She continued to stare at him.

"You're so hot that I'm going to jump out of this window if you don't love me!" He opened the window. "Love me Leann! Be my booty call!"

She continued to stare at him in disbelief.

"Did someone say booty call?" It was Max, sweeping into the room. "My Gods, did you just say that to my daughter?"

"Ah…yes. Doesn't booty mean love?"

Max gave him an odd look. "Oh no! You're turning into Kyle! I knew this would happen someday!"

Julia was at the door. "Max, dear, what's wrong?"

He swung around. "Quick, Julia, hide the daughters! Into the anti-Kyle box they go!" Then Max broke down laughing. "Do you have any idea what you're saying, Aaron?"

Aaron stammered. "A-um. I just wanted booty," he said.

Leann's face was white. "Dad, I'm scared."

Julia laughed. "Oh dear, dear, dear…" she said. "That's not how you get a girl, Aaron."

Aaron's face was red. "What if I, um, throw myself out the window?"

"Then you'll be dead," Max said flatly. "And you won't have to worry about girls ever."

Aaron looked at Leann, his face still flushed. "I totally screwed this up. I was only doing what my dad and Jake did!"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Max said. "Those are two of the worst examples ever. Jake's psychotic and you're father…okay, he was all right. He had all the chicks for miles around…"

"Which is very bad," Julia said, cutting in quickly and giving her husband a hard look. "Very, very bad. Too many girls is simply not healthy!"

"I guess you hate me now I've made a fool of myself," Aaron said, shuffling his feet. "I'm sorry, Leann. I just like you. I really do."

He turned around.

She approached him and held his hand, smiling. "It's okay. You just have to be honest. Don't pretend to be something you're not."

Hand-in-hand, they went to the inn to buy some ice-cream_._

_X_

_My entry into the Embarrassment contest. If you want to vote for me or any other entry, then please go to the Rune Haven forums right here on Fanfiction . net._


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